Lynne Woolfson 29/5/19 Lynne Woolfson 29/5/19

TRAUMA BONDING

It all begins with an idea.

Is It a Trauma Bond or Healthy Attachment?

By Lynne Woolfson, Clinical Psychologist

Have you ever felt deeply connected to someone — but also deeply confused?

One moment it feels electric, the next, you're anxious, walking on eggshells, or questioning yourself.

You might wonder: Is this love? Then why do i feel so sad? or confused?

What you could be experiencing is a trauma bond, not a healthy attachment. And understanding the difference can bring clarity, self-compassion, and maybe even relief.

🌧️ The Umbrella Story: A Metaphor for Trauma Bonding

Imagine being outside during a storm. Someone hands you an umbrella. For a moment, you're so relieved — you're not alone, you're protected.

But then, without warning, they take the umbrella away. You’re left exposed. Cold. Confused.

And just when you’re soaked and starting to give up — they return. Hand you the umbrella again. You feel grateful. You think, maybe they do care after all.

This cycle repeats.

You stay — not because it feels good, but because the relief feels so powerful after the pain.

That’s what a trauma bond can feel like: You become attached not to safety, but to relief from hurt.

🧡 The Garden Story: A Metaphor for Healthy Attachment

Now imagine a small seedling. You plant it in soft, rich soil. Each day, someone shows up — not always with fanfare, but consistently. They water it. They make sure it gets enough sunlight. They check the roots when needed.

There are windy days and dry spells. But the care remains steady. The plant grows strong, flexible, and safe to bloom.

That’s what healthy attachment feels like: It may be quieter than the storm, but it's reliable. It nurtures your growth. It doesn’t come and go.

🌀 What Is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a connection formed through unpredictable cycles of hurt and comfort. You might:
- Feel “hooked” or addicted to the relationship
- Blame yourself when things go wrong
- Crave closeness even when it causes pain
- Hold onto hope that things will return to how they were

Your nervous system gets used to the rollercoaster. It’s not your fault — it’s how the body tries to survive unpredictability.

Often, our unconscious repeats old patterns. If your early experiences of love were painful, inconsistent, or based on earning connection, your system may be drawn to that same dynamic in adulthood — not because it’s good, but because it’s familiar.

Sometimes, when we meet someone safe and emotionally available, it can feel “boring” or even uncomfortable — not because they’re lacking, but because our body doesn’t yet recognise calm as safe.

🌱 What Is Healthy Attachment?

Healthy attachment feels safe, not perfect. It’s the kind of love that:
- Makes space for your needs and emotions
- Supports both closeness and independence
- Repairs after conflict instead of ignoring it
- Lets you feel seen without performing

In a healthy relationship, love feels like a quiet strength — not a wild chase.

⚖️ A Side-by-Side Look

• Feels like:
- Trauma Bond: A storm, then sudden relief
- Healthy Attachment: A steady garden that grows over time
• Conflict:
- Trauma Bond: Hurt → relief → hurt again
- Healthy Attachment: Conflict → repair → understanding
• You often feel:
- Trauma Bond: Anxious, unsure, hyperaware
- Healthy Attachment: Safe, respected, more like yourself
• Love means:
- Trauma Bond: Holding on tight, proving your worth
- Healthy Attachment: Being accepted as you are

💛 Be Kind to Yourself

If you see yourself on the trauma bond side, please know:
You are not broken. You may be carrying an old map of love — one that said love means earning it, chasing it, or surviving it.

But there is another map. One where love is safe enough to rest in. You can learn to trust it, even if it feels unfamiliar at first.

🌿 Final Thought

You don’t need to fix anything today.

Does this relationship feel like shelter or a storm?

The more we listen to our bodies — the more we come home to ourselves.

Knowledge is power.

Help is always available.

📥 Want to go deeper?

🧠 Download my free Trauma Bonding Reflection Worksheet.

Learn more

Lynne Woolfson 29/5/19 Lynne Woolfson 29/5/19

Blog Post Title Two

It all begins with an idea.

It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.

Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.